I’m traveling for the first time in Bangkok, Thailand — a place of wonder, natural beauty, and, undeniably, one of the most notorious sex tourism hubs in the world. Many consider it the global capital of illicit sex. I’ve been to places like Amsterdam with its infamous red-light district, but nothing compares to what I see here.
Bangkok’s sex scene draws men — especially Western men — from across the globe, offering an array of bars, gentlemen’s clubs, massage parlors, and hotels, all catering to the fulfillment of sexual fantasies. It’s surreal. If you haven’t been here, it’s almost unimaginable.
So what does this have to do with the question: “What would my dad say?”
This morning, I found myself thinking about one of my dad’s deepest passions: helping people with their marriages. Those who knew him, even casually, would agree — he could talk for hours on the topic. As a preacher once said of himself, “He could preach at the drop of a hat… and he’d be the one to drop it.” That was my dad when it came to marriage.
I could always see it coming whenever I visited. But instead of resisting, I just let him tell me the same stories and messages over and over again. I tried to keep an open and learning heart — not just to absorb the truths he was sharing, but to give him space to express his passion to me as his youngest son.
I know my son Baxter experienced the same thing. He listened in a similar way — with patience and presence — knowing there were powerful kernels of truth in what my dad was sharing, but also recognizing how important it was for my dad to be fully heard. That meant the world to him.
He never claimed to be the perfect husband, nor did he pretend to have it all figured out. Those of us close to him saw the ups and downs in his marriage with my mom. Like all marriages, theirs was imperfect. But he pursued wisdom relentlessly. He read all the best books on marriage and absorbed every key he could to building a fulfilling relationship.
What he was most passionate about — what he could go on and on about — was the importance of a fulfilling sex life between partners. Yes, he talked about communication, trust, emotional connection, and more. But he believed a vibrant, passionate sex life was the cornerstone of a strong marriage. And he believed that far too many people, especially those in religious communities, didn’t talk about it — often because they weren’t experiencing it themselves.
He believed the frequency and quality of your sex life mirrored the overall health of your relationship. If you’re not having regular, passionate sex, chances are there are issues outside the bedroom too.
So back to Bangkok…
This morning I was thinking about what is driving so many men — many of them married or in committed relationships — to travel across the world to indulge in what’s offered here. That’s when my dad’s words hit me like a ton of bricks. He used to say: men crave sex, lots of it, and they want it to be passionate and exciting. They want to feel desired, fulfilled, and yes — even have their fantasies explored — ideally, with their partner.
As I write this, I get choked up. I can see him saying all this with so much passion, just like the 1,001 times before. I’m not preaching. I’m not trying to teach. I’m just trying to channel my dad’s heart and honesty.
“Most men — if not all — desire an active, passionate sex life. And they want to have their fantasies fulfilled by their partner.”
The words of the Foghat song “I Just Want to Make Love to You” come to mind:
I don’t want you to cook my bread
I don’t want you to make my bed
I don’t want your money, too
I just wanna make love to youI don’t want you to be no slave
I don’t want you to work all day
I don’t want you to be sad and blue
I just wanna make love to you
And when men don’t have that in their marriage? They either check out emotionally, bury themselves in work or hobbies, or they look elsewhere — pornography, affairs, or even places like Bangkok.
He would be quick to say — porn, cheating, prostitution — it’s destructive. He never gave into those temptations. He understood the temporary appeal but knew they led nowhere good. Still, he believed settling for a dull, unfulfilling sex life in marriage could be just as damaging.
He shared many stories from his counseling experiences. One he repeated at least 400 times: he always asked couples before marriage about their sex drives. It was a non-negotiable topic. Compatibility matters. One man said he wanted sex every day. His fiancée innocently replied, “That sounds great! How are we going to do it? Should I meet you in the parking lot at work?” He loved that story. He would say, “Now that is the kind of woman all men want.”
He also shared his own stories — like one night in Vegas. My mom saw a go-go dancer dancing provocatively on the table and said, “I can do that for you.” Bear in mind this was just a few years ago in their late 70s. That night, she did just that — just for him. That’s love. That’s fun. That’s passion — at any age.
A few things about this story…
As mentioned, my dad was far from a perfect husband. Yet, my mom did not let that be an excuse for her pleasing him in any way she could. My mom is a very simple-minded, innocent person who is far smarter than most at the end of the day. She is smart enough to know she should push herself beyond her comfort zone to please her husband, knowing intrinsically that not only would he benefit, but she would as well with a happy, satisfied husband.
Secondly, my mom was in her late 70s and far from the raving beauty she was in her younger days. Too many women become self-conscious of their bodies and feel that they cannot please their husbands anymore. “That is as far from the truth as possible,” my dad would say. “A man is not looking for a model, but rather a playful partner who loves him and is willing to please him in whatever way he desires. That is actually far sexier than any call girl, prostitute, or pornographic channel could provide.”
At this point, some men reading this are probably saying a hearty “Amen” in agreement. And some women might be thinking, “But what about my needs?”
To that, my dad would say:
“It starts with YOU. Don’t wait for the other person. Be the kind of partner you’d want to have. Do your part, and far more times than not, your partner will respond.”
He would tell another story of a couple where the husband was distant and detached, and they were headed for divorce. The wife went for counseling and was told to do everything she was supposed to do and not worry about his part. She took this to heart and did, to her best ability, what she could to be the loving, caring, compassionate, AND sexually passionate wife she could possibly be. It did not happen right away, but little by little, the marriage turned around until the husband was so grateful that they did not get a divorce and was fully committed to a healthy marriage.
Of course, there are other stories where the husband took responsibility and started to change and the wife followed. I’m just sharing the stories that he told the most.
What does the man need to do?
One of my dad’s favorite books is The 5 Love Languages. If you haven’t read it, the key point is that your partner has their own love language, and you need to find out what that is and meet that need. The love languages are:
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Physical Touch
Find out what your partner’s love language is, and then meet it.
Again, my dad was far from perfect. However, one thing he did do was meet my mom’s most important need, which was Quality Time. As those of you who know my mom know, she loves to express herself and she loves to talk.
I’ll never forget traveling to Italy with my mom and dad several years ago. We met our long-lost relatives for the first time — none of whom spoke English. The only way we communicated was through their broken Spanish and my somewhat better Spanish. Did that matter to my mom? Not at all! We would have dinners, and she would talk and share stories with her beautiful smile and enthusiasm — to the delight of everyone — even though they didn’t understand a word she said. She connected emotionally, and they felt that, which brought everyone closer.
I recently asked my mom what she appreciated most about my dad, specifically in their marriage, and her answer was simple: “We were friends.” (It’s really hard to write this without getting choked up.)
For several years, my mom and dad would eat together, have a glass of wine (or more), and talk. They would often sit and talk for hours. My dad loved being with my mom. In fact, when she was gone, he just wasn’t himself. She was his best friend in every way. (Again, tears are flowing from my eyes as I write this.)
He would rather hang out with her than with anyone else — which I’m sure made her feel incredibly valued. So many guys would rather be with their buddies, go golfing all day, fishing, etc. (all great things) — but their wives are wishing they wanted to be with them the most. That’s what my dad gave to my mom.
They were married — as many know — when she was 13 and he was 15, and they spent the rest of their lives together in a very imperfect (yet perfect) marriage, with their friendship and quality time as the foundation. They even split up a few times, but they always came back together — because first and foremost, they were best friends. Just like best friends do, they got mad at each other, argued, and more. But one thing was for sure: they would be together, and they would have that quality time — and my dad made sure of that.
It’s amazing that, despite his other shortcomings in marriage, focusing on and meeting my mom’s love language made up for it all. The good news for men is — you don’t have to be perfect. Start by finding out your partner’s love language and seek to meet that need.
So, what should you do then?
What would my dad say?
First and foremost, take an honest, unfiltered look at your sex life with your partner. If you’re not experiencing a passionate, thriving, and active sex life, you do not have a healthy marriage — period. As tough as that may sound, it’s the truth, and it’s supported by countless experts on marriage.
My dad read many books and deeply immersed himself in the teachings of marriage experts, so he had a solid grasp of what was being taught. He understood that sexual intimacy is not just a physical act — it’s a powerful reflection of emotional closeness and relational health. Here are just a few examples:
Proverbs 5:18–19 (NIV)
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth… may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”
Sex should be frequent and a joyful part of your marriage.
Dr. David Schnarch – Passionate Marriage
“Your sex life is a window into your emotional life. When couples stop being intimate, it’s rarely about sex — it’s about avoidance, resentment, or disconnection.”
Jimmy Evans – MarriageToday Ministries
“A healthy sex life is one of the clearest indicators of a healthy marriage.”
My dad believed there are no excuses. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Too many couples justify a passionless marriage with reasons like poor health, busy schedules, or the demands of raising children. But my dad would say — those are just excuses. None of them should stop you from pursuing a deeply fulfilling relationship.
One of the greatest problems he saw was that people give up. They settle. They believe the spark is gone forever, that their partner will never listen or change, or that it’s just “too far gone.” But my dad believed with all his heart — there is hope. He could talk for hours about couples who turned around even the most broken of marriages.
He used to joke, “My pornography is reading about how to have a good marriage.” He loved the topic and devoured every success story he could find. Here are two real examples he would have shared:
The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis
A couple in their 40s had been married 15 years. The husband had emotionally checked out, and the wife withdrew physically. Their sex life had become rare and routine. The wife realized she was punishing him with emotional distance and chose to reconnect — emotionally and physically — not out of duty, but love. Her husband softened. They began talking, dating, and rebuilding. He said it felt like “waking up a part of our marriage I thought was dead.”
The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Brian and Karen’s marriage had gone cold. Though Brian provided and helped around the house, Karen felt unloved. Their intimacy disappeared. After discovering her love language was Words of Affirmation, Brian began writing notes, offering compliments, and expressing appreciation daily. Karen warmed up, became more affectionate, and their passion returned. She felt cherished. Brian said, “It opened the door to our whole relationship.”
At this point, my dad would say: “Wake up. Don’t settle for a dull, disconnected marriage. You were made for more.”
To husbands:
Stop checking out. Don’t resign yourself to a passionless relationship while secretly longing for more. Don’t believe the lie that you have to shut your desires down, or look elsewhere. Renew your hope. Believe again that you can live out Proverbs 5:18 — “may your fountain be blessed, and may your wife satisfy you always.”
To wives:
Don’t settle for a cold marriage where you’re just a caretaker. As in Fiddler on the Roof, when the husband asks, “Do you love me?”, the wife replies, “I’ve cooked, cleaned, and raised your children.” But he asks again, “Yes, but do you love me?” You can rediscover that bond — physically and emotionally.
And then my dad would say, “Now let me tell you what NOT to do.”
- Husbands: Don’t lead with “I need more sex.” That approach backfires. Saying you’d be more emotionally available if your sexual needs were met only builds more distance.
- Wives: Don’t wait to feel emotionally connected before pursuing physical connection. Yes, it’s more than just sex — it’s about making love. But don’t let that stop you from taking the first step.
So what should you do?
Husbands:
Ask your wife what her love language is — and start fulfilling it consistently. If it’s Words of Affirmation, tell her what you admire about her. If it’s Quality Time, create that time — daily or weekly — and just be present. Start now!
Wives:
Don’t wait. Ask your husband how often he would like to make love. No excuses. Ask what satisfies him — physically — and tell him what satisfies you, too. Be honest about your body and your needs, not just your emotions.
Do your part, regardless of what your spouse is doing.
When you take initiative, your partner is far more likely to respond. That’s when true communication and connection begin — and a beautiful cycle of giving and receiving can skyrocket your marriage to new heights.
As I’ve said many times, my mom and dad weren’t perfect in their marriage, nor are they perfect human beings (as none of us are). But perhaps what we can learn from them — and especially from my dad — is this:
You don’t have to be perfect.
There are many things that contribute to a great marriage. However, perhaps their life and marriage are teaching us something simple and profound:
- Wives — meet your husband’s sexual needs and desires.
- Husbands — meet your wife’s love language need.
Maybe it’s that simple.
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